An American Still in Tokyo-The Second Year

Soulsearching...

"I don't know how to love him

What to do, how to move him

I've been changed, yes really changed

In these past few days

When I've seen myself

I seem like someone else

I don't know how to take this

I don't see why he moves me

He's a man, he's just a man

And I've had so many men before

In very many ways

He's just one more...

Should I bring him down?

Should I scream and shout?

Should I speak of love?

Let my feelings out?

I never thought I'd come to this

What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny

I should be in this position?

I'm the one

Who's always been

So calm so cool

No lover's fool

Running every show

He scares me so

Yet, if he said he loved me

I'd be lost, I'd be frightened

I couldn't cope

Just couldn't cope

I'd turn my head, I'd back away

I wouldn't want to know

He scares me so

I want him so...

-Jesus Christ Superstar

I don`t know....it seems that these lyrics seem very appropriate to me lately, but I don`t know if I feel as strongly about it now. Again, I feel very confused and don`t know what direction to take....in some ways I`m just tired of all this, of waiting things out. Above all, I need to figure out what I want. And as for the problem with Tsveti, Tomi, and I that we thought was solved was not solved at all, as we found out late last night. However, I am no longer part of the problem because I figured out my feelings as far as that went.....it`s just that now my problem is something else.

I think we`ve reached a low point....oh God, let that be true.

Don`t think that any more time was going to pass by without me mentioning something about my birthday. My birthday was on Friday and for the most part, I ended up having a very good time. About 14 of us went to a nice restaurant called Kitchinto. We got to sit in this really cool loft, with a low table and tatami floor, and cushions for us to sit on. Brian, Jojit, Tom, Tomi, and Marco chipped in and got me a 10,000 yen(!) gift certificate to Yodobashi. It was so nice of them. I wore a really nice spaghetti-strapped top, which was Tsveti`s birthday present. I usually don`t wear spaghetti straps, but thanks to her I looked really nice for my birthday. Afterwards, we were going to go to the Irish Pub, but Brians friend and former North American group staff member, Nicotine, invited us to go to his apartment and hang out. So we rode our bikes to his apartment that, for a Japanese apartment, is really spacious. His room easily fit all of us. On our way there, we stopped by the 7-ll to get some, um, refreshments ;-) Since it was my birthday, I was feeling generous so I got a lot of stuff for people to enjoy :-D Anywayz, we played "Sui-baku-moku-cha", a Korean drinking game in which you have to either drink, answer a question, take a dare, or remove an article of clothing if you mess up. Look, because of the public nature of this blog, I do not know if I want to say absolutely everything that happened, but let`s just say it was pretty crazy. My friends won`t let me forget that I tried to put my camera bag on my foot, thinking that it was my shoe.....Another thing: Jinro fu**s you up!!!! At 7am, I had wanted to leave but my friends told me that I should stay for several more minutes....so I layed down and the next thing I knew, it was 11:30 am! The only people left in the house were me, Jojit, Brian, Nicotine, and his roomate. I had forgotten what I had done with my gift certificate, so for a moment, I freaked out and searched last night`s trash bags but then I called Tomi and he said that I had left it and two other things I had bought in his bookbag. Which reminds me, I still need to get those from him ;-) I managed to get home, even though I had the biggest headache. I know I have said this before but I will say it again: It made me so happy to see that all my friends came out to celebrate my birthday with me. To my friends back home: How I wish you had been there!!